Diary,
I’m being sued, and not for something I did. God knows I’ve dodged several bullets in my days. No, it’s not me. I’m being sued because of Puppy, my dog. And no, he hasn’t chomped on someone’s calf or kept the neighbours up with his barking.
It started a few days ago. Puppy was bored and sluggish, didn’t even seem to enjoy his favourite program on TV: Hudson and Rex. Upon closer inspection, I realized he had a cough, a fever and a snotty nose. I rushed him to the vet where he was diagnosed with canine influenza. Yap, dogs also get the flu. The vet suggested Puppy stay a few days at the animal hospital.
Today, I received a frantic call from the vet. Damn! What could be wrong? Had Puppy died? My heart was in my throat as I sped to the hospital.
“What happened, doc,” I said, out of breath. “Is Puppy okay?”
“Yes, Puppy is fine. In fact, he’s recovered rather quickly for whatever he’s accused of.”
“Accused? He didn’t bite, did he?”
“Not in the literal meaning of the word, but—”
A frantic woman dressed in a profusion of pink comes shuffling from the inner rooms. “Is this him? Is this the owner of the dog that raped my Coco?”
“Excuse me? Are you accusing my dog of rape?”
Out from somewhere in her costume comes a miniature poodle dyed pink like the owner. “Look at my Coco. Does she look like the kind to fancy your ugly monster dog?”
“Hey, lady, my dog is a German Shepherd, a real dog. What you’re holding looks like a stuffed toy from Naivas with a mechanical spine from Japan.”
“Oh, no, you didn’t.” She turns to the vet. “Doctor, he didn’t just call Coco a robot, did he? Tell him, doctor, tell him Coco is a championship breed. Her tail alone is worth ten of your shepherds. If she bleeds or God forbid she… I don’t even want to imagine her pregnant. If she is, I’m suing you for everything you’ve got.”
“Miss Janell,” says the vet, “I believe this matter can be settled here.”
I start laughing.
“What’s funny?” she asks. “You think animal sexual abuse is hilarious?”
“Your dog’s name is Coco, and yours is Janell. As in Coco Janell? That’s funny as hell to me. Don’t you think so, doc?”
“Okay, Mr. Funny Man.” Janell struts off. “I’ll see you in court, and I’ll be the one laughing all the way to the bank.”
