• Sorry is not enough to get jilted cop out of trouble for going on the rampage
I’m sure you remember last week my colleague Sgt Sophia M Kali turned down my date offer and preferred Wa Munene, the chief’s son.
I went a little too crazy and arrested people on trivial matters, such as wearing worn-out masks. Turns out one of the citizens wasn’t satisfied with my mere apology.
“Sgt Makini,” my boss Inspector Tembo says, “you’re facing the board today as a result of citizen Kalewa’s complaint of unlawful arrest. How do you plead?”
“Plead?” I ask. “Is this a trial?”
The inquest is taking place at Jiji Ndogo Primary School. Everyone is in attendance. Dr Selitol has opened a popcorn stand and Fatma Nono of Mla Chake hotel has brought chai and mandazi.
The judging panel comprises Tembo, Sophia and Chifu, the chief, who is in khaki shorts only, his rifle next to him. His enormous tummy resembles a black gourd.
“Unakubali rejareja ikuongeleshe hivi?” asks Chifu.
“Kalewa states that on Saturday last week, you arrested him for no reason,” Sophia reads.
“Huyo ameita jina yangu apewe moja,” says Kalewa, waking up from an alcoholic stupor. “Ajilipie, na nipewe mbili kwa bill yake.”
“Look at him,” I yell. “It’s nine o’clock and he’s drunk already.”
“Other complaints, too,” Tembo continues. “You put men and women together in the same cell.”
“The men’s cell was full. Why is the chief here?”
Chifu picks up the rifle.
“I’m the final authority huku. Uko na swali ingine?”
“Inspector, to be honest I was cleaning up this town. We’ve been slacking way too long.”
Sophia shoots to her feet.
“You were jealous because I went on a date with Wa Munene.”
“You? Dating my son?” Chifu stands up. Scans the crowd. “Wa Munene! Ngoja tufike nyumbani utaniona. This woman is not of our clan. Msichana, wewe ni kabila gani kwanza?”
“That’s not important.” Tembo attempts to cool things down.
“Huyu anafaa kushtakiwa,” Chifu insists, “for conspiracy to contaminate a clan.”
“Mimi sina clan,” a young man shouts from the crowd. “You can date me.”
“That wasn’t my point!” Sophia toys with her papers. “Sgt Makini allowed emotions to interfere with his work.”
“Na huyo Emotions ako wapi?” Gwendoline Nyaguthii, our resident chief gossiper, asks. “Si hata yeye aletwe tumwone.”
The crowd roars in agreement.
“Enough!” Tembo strikes the gavel, a wooden hardware mallet, so hard the handle snaps in two.
“I’m extremely sorry to disturb the court,” Dr Selitol says, “but the mallet is Sh250, and you haven't paid me yet.”
“Chief, clear the room!”
Chifu cocks his AK47. Everyone scrambles out.
“Son, I can’t allow you to run this Police Post like your own revenge squad,” Inspector Tembo says. “I’m going to put you on a one-week administrative leave, pending further investigations.”
“But Inspector…”
“Good decision, sir.” Sophia looks straight at me. “No one should take the law into their own hands.”
After Tembo disbands the inquest and everyone leaves, he approaches me.
“You know I had to do that, right?”
“You just suspended me, sir.”
“The spy threatened to report us both to IPOA if I didn’t.”
“Sophia is not a spy.”
“Then why is she communicating with the Senior Superintendent?”
“What? SS Kimanzi?”
“I saw a message on her phone addressed to him. Lay low for a week until I have everything sorted out.”
I find Sophia at the Post when I go to turn in my gun.
“Why are you doing this to me?” I ask her.
“What you did was wrong.” She pretends to be busy with some paperwork. “And you embarrassed me…. I mean, the force.”