Another one bites the dust

Diary,

Against my constant, well-meant, and heartfelt advice, my friend Todd, has decided to bite the bullet and settle down. Worse even, he has decided to make me his best man. Me! So, I decided I’ll share with you my best man speech at his wedding.

‘First of all, thank you, Todd, for making this wedding an open-bar affair. This way, many of you will consider what I’m going to say the drunken rant of a mad man. Here we go.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, we’re gathered here today to participate in something magical, special and very wonderful. You know what I’m talking about. That cake!

‘But seriously, Maria, you’re marrying a great guy, but don’t be excited that he said “I do”. Todd clicks the “Accept” button any time a pop-up appears on his computer screen. He does it despite having no clue what it actually means. But lucky for you, Maria, true love does not come from finding the perfect person, right?

‘I’m glad both of you are still so young. Someone once said, “Marry someone your own age, because as your beauty fades, so will their eyesight.” I say, too bad for you, Todd. You should’ve married an archaeologist. The older you get, the more interested she’d become in you.

‘What else… Yeah. There’s only one way to a happy marriage… and as soon as I remember it, I’ll pass it on to you guys. Hope it won’t be too late. But I do have a piece of advice for you, Todd my friend. Although the secret to a happy marriage remains a secret, keep this in mind. When you are wrong, admit it, and when you are right, shut up! Remember, when a woman is right, she’s right. And when she’s wrong, she’s right.

‘Finally… Oh, I just remembered the way to a happy marriage. Two things. Humour, and short-term memory. So, remember something, lovebirds, never stop laughing, even when the jokes are lame, for you have now committed yourselves to the only war where, once a month, you sleep with the enemy. Yes, Todd, I did say once a month.’