We all have that one dream, career, a place we long to visit, or a business we swear we will pursue one day, yet we keep talking ourselves out of chasing it. For Njeri, that dream career was to work at this NGO that provided the travel she had dreamt about.
When a country
manager vacancy fell vacant, for which she was qualified, she applied and was
invited for an interview, emerging as the best among the five candidates who
made it to the final stage. Yet, two days before the interview, she sent an
apology. She convinced herself that she could not handle the job.
Njeri’s case is not isolated and is not limited to women. People have refused to start businesses, go back to school, complete projects, learn new skills, go for hikes, start a farm or anything else, not because they are limited, but because they disqualify themselves from achieving those goals.
For a long time, there has been a focus on external conditions that obstruct people from achieving their full potential. For women, it has been unsupportive cultures or social norms, limited access to education, economic inequalities, and other forms of discrimination. However, as women get more opportunities, as shifts happen at workplaces and in the family, we are beginning to note the most dangerous hindrance to total transformation and growth coming into view—self-sabotage. As external barriers weaken, self-sabotage is slowly becoming visible.
Let’s consider, for instance, female leadership. For years leadership in African societies has been dominated by men, with women taking domestic and supportive roles. For this reason, when women embrace leadership positions, they become more scrutinised. The demands for perfection are higher, and any misstep is punished more severely, especially on social media.
This then leads to perfectionism, extensive pressure to impress and achieve and, eventually, burnout. For some, it becomes easier to walk away from it all than to keep trying. The truth is that women do not refuse these opportunities because they are unqualified. They turn them down because, deep inside, they feel unprepared, undeserving or certain they will fail.
Self-sabotage is what happens when our thoughts and actions hold us back from achieving our full potential. It manifests as procrastination, overthinking or the fear of rejection. It has stood between amateurs and professional athletes; between innovators and the initiatives they never start, and between ordinary and extraordinary lives.
You might hear people say, “ people like us don’t get these kinds of jobs”, “that car is too expensive, I can never drive it”, “I don’t want to be disappointed”, “It was not meant for me”, “ I can’t manage”. When these beliefs fill someone’s mind, they become blind to opportunities, even when they are right in front of them.
There is a need to be self-aware of what is stopping you, a deliberate introspection. What patterns keep repeating in my life? Where do I pull back just when things are about to move forward? Some people talk to a friend. Others work with a coach or psychologist.
Yet many still find themselves stuck in the same cycles. That’s why experts emphasise the importance of honest mentorship and structured coaching that challenge your story about yourself, not just your circumstances. It is only once we step out of ourselves that we can clearly see what has been stopping our progress.
The question each of us must ask is this: Why and where am I sabotaging myself, and what am I willing to do about it? The day we answer that honestly is the day the world stops being our only obstacle. And for many people, that is where success finally begins.
Koki is co-author of the book ‘Self-Sabotage’, while Makabe is a communication specialist
