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November 22, 2018

Raverend Reloaded: Letter to powerful women

Female MPs walk into Parliament in white headscarves on Wednesday to protest lack of full implementation of the two-thirds gender rule  /COURTESY
Female MPs walk into Parliament in white headscarves on Wednesday to protest lack of full implementation of the two-thirds gender rule /COURTESY

Five solid Fridays later, I’m happy to announce a new month... August is done but we shall not forget because this is the month we have seen high-profile arrests each week by the DPP and his counterpart from the DCI...

Whether eventually we’ll see some honcho going to jail or not, one thing is clear: somebody is rattling the big fish and no one is safe... The latest arrest of the DCJ was the biggest high-profile arrest in the history of Kenya. Nobody saw that coming. That’s why Kenyans witnessed over 32 lawyers plus a former Vice President run to the High Court in solidarity with the accused...

The last time we had such a circus in the corridors of power was during the Supreme Court hearing of the election petition... Yaaani there are lawyers who just never show up to court unless it’s a big one.... Meaning the moment you see them, just know shit has gotten real...

September is a new month, and as we wait to see who will be next on the DPP’s chopping block in this new month, let me, TheRaverend, have a conversation with my powerful women... Women who make presidents not sleep at night or can change the world...

TheRaverend’s letter to women in power starts with advice to all the women who are role models to all the young girls in Kenya and the world. The women who run the social media streets, the ladies who post stuff on Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat or FB, and set trends.

My advice to them is short and sweet, be real and be true to your fans, the followers who religiously follow your pages and each post without question or doubt... Don’t take their trust for granted because they believe in you…

En for the fans, don’t allow the internet to give you depression. Ukidhani watu walimake it kumbe it’s a Google affair... It’s all Koby Past Manenos... On this shosho media, don’t believe everything you see… Ninety per cent of the time what you see is all for show… Vitisho za filters na pictures za google... So take every amazing lifestyle post on the social media with more than a pinch of salt...

Still on my powerful women, I would like to speak to the backpacker, backyard boogie, sitting allowance chairperson, nominated senator who wants the taxpayer to pay extra for her big booty, aka Sianda aka Nyash, en I don’t mean the singer we-Aminiya...

As a life member of TeamMafisi, I would like to tell the nominated senator we understand her huge problem but we are with the taxpayers on this one, because if we agree to your demands to upgrade all your tickets to business or first class, next thing we shall be forced to give you underwear allowance.

So our solution to your current tumour is simple: Why don’t you just upgrade your economy tickets that you get for free and avoid all this body-shaming vibe coming from depressed tax payers? ... Take the economy, ongeza personal money, enjoy business class and life in general without people discussing the size of your DSQ... Or for the cheaper and the practical option of booking an aisle seat, where your diab can overflow into that free space... Case closed...

The other real women of power #TheRaverend needs to address are the two First Ladies who stole the headlines this week, our very own Mrs Kenyatta and Mrs Trump. You all looked amazing in your respective outfits. Only question I have for Mrs Trump is on her high heels. How do you walk in that, en how tall are you again? Our First Lady is barely five feet. Did you have to wear KICC to remind us how short our First Lady is???

Still in fashion, Sabina Chege, the outfit you wore to Parliament, TeamMafisi loved it. They want to see more of that. In fact, we want another one just like the other one. If the geezers in Parliament have an issue, they can go hang themselves...

As for the white headgear to push for the two-thirds rule, hapo that’s an epic fail. Can all the women in Parliament go and see Sabina Chege’s tailor and get an outfit made quickly that will be the fastest way to get the attention of Parliament?

With all that said and done, TheRaverend would like to wish all Kenyans a super fantastic September, en let’s keep on enjoying all the toxic and poisonous foodstuff because it is official: We have been on bad sugar, oil and fertilisers. We are also now asking the GOK to legalise weed and changaa.

 

 

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