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February 23, 2019

What would you do if Sh100bn was dropped into your lap?

Demolition of Shell petrol station in Kileleshwa Nairobi on Monday 6,2018.
Demolition of Shell petrol station in Kileleshwa Nairobi on Monday 6,2018. Photo/HEPHZIBAR BUKASU.

Week three of August 2018 en the drama and tricks in 254 don’t seem to end...SANY, aka the building slayer, is still demolishing structures put up on riparian land and road reserves. The action this week focused on the “Easty-Zoo” area of Dandora.

Kiambu gafana Baba Yao weighed in on the issue and even offered a solution—instead of knocking down buildings, which cost billions to put up, the owners of the properties should be directed to change the course of the river, like Moses did with the Red Sea.

No sooner had Baba Yao made this remark than his wife was arrested for building without a permit...And, as if that wasn’t enough, a recording of a phone conversation between him and Nairobi’s Sonko was leaked.

Why Kenyans still feel the need to call my governor and have a serious conversation with him or ask for a favour “kwa simu yake ya rununu” aka mobile phone is still a mystery to #TheRaverend!!! If you want to trend or be put on the spotlight, yaani “kuanikuwaa kama nguo”, go ahead and call Mike Mbuvi Sonko...His phone is constantly on record mode and it never discriminates.

Still on the 254 drama and tricks...Cotu Sec Gen Francis Atwoli unveiled his third wife on national TV...His second wife then leaked their recorded convo, where Atwoli can be clearly heard reminding her that he’s still the “A lion dey”!!!


Shocked beyond words

In a week where everyone is recording everything and everyone, it’s only prudent for #TheRaverend to ask guys to be careful. Let’s all try en resolve all issues face to face because this culture of receipts can finish anyone at any time without notice.

Moving away from matters phone recordings, let’s look at the story that broke on Thursday of how Sh100 billion was lost in six months from KRA, KBS and KPA. Whether this amount is real or exaggerated, I had to find my drinking buddies and ask them what they would do with Sh100 billion...My good friend Shoba Gatimu was shocked beyond words that people can actually steal that kind of cash and get away with it. After a couple of double Hennessy, he told me that in 2017, 1.6 million students registered for KCSE exam. If we gave each one a Sh20,000 entry level refurbished laptops to help them start up, that’s Sh32 billion. You remain with a cool Sh68 billion.

Safaricom built the M-Pesa Foundation Academy for Sh3 billion. The state-of-the-art academy boasts of an indoors sports hall, sports field, running track, swimming pool, music centre and a 500-seat auditorium. Build 22 of such schools and you are still left with a cool Sh2 billion!...Kenya has a population of about 50 million. Sema basi hata kila mtu apewe KDF mbili kwa bill yako. That’s Sh500 million. Hiyo Sh1.5 billion imebaki hata chukua tu uende ukanunue island Bahamas juu nimejaribu kuhesabu, nime choka, na hii pesa haiishi!!

My other pal GL, who is very flamboyant and only buys the best things money can buy, was beyond shocked. In fact, all he had to say was it’s impossible to finish Sh100 billion and if he was to get Sh100 million he would get a bunch of midgets to walk in front of him announcing his presence and chanting his praises like the days of the Pharaohs.

My barman Kama on the other hand said he would buy Nairobi, fire the gafana and use the change to marry from all the tribes of Kenya...When all is said and done #TheRaverend is praying that the story of Sh100 billion lost in six months is just a hoax, because if it’s true then we shall definitely be auctioning Kenya by Christmas.

So as you party this weekend, stay in your lane because we have Ninja among us who have Sh100 billion to spend...This Ninja can buy you, your girlfriend, your friends’ girlfriends, the club plus the staff because they can afford it, so be careful.

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