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February 23, 2019

Riparian relationships: Striving to impress chics is the boy child’s undoing

Demolitions of Java House and Shell at Kileleshwa Nairobi on Monday 6,2018.
Demolitions of Java House and Shell at Kileleshwa Nairobi on Monday 6,2018. Photo/HEPHZIBAR BUKASU.

With 20 days to my next pay cheque, I’m feeling the same pain as many a boy child...With only two weekend into August my relationship with my bank account is critical, with my salary having done a quick touch and go. TheRaverend is literally operating on fumes.

My strategy right now is how to survive until end month. What will I eat? How will I fuel my guzzlers? Lord give me a sign, I need to win a jackpot or find me a rich sugar cougar mummy...Any ideas where I can get a temporary cucu to sort out my financial problems...I’m so happy football season is back because if I fail getting a “sponyoooo” at least I can join the gamblers anonymous of Nairobi...OK, enough of my brokenness.

My mom always told me that honesty is the best policy, so let’s talk facts...Our young men are becoming idiots with each dawn. Lord save the boy child...Why is the boy child broke? The blame is on the partying culture en the many events happening each weekend in Nairobi...These events are ruining the boy child’s monthly budget, what with expensive tickets...The boy child suffers from serious FOMO plus partying alone is not good for his street credit...En taking a Nairobi mama out for one night is not a joke.

So with gigs popping since mid-July the boy child is screwed! These Nairobi women can make you sell your kidney en one ball, impressing them is expensive...This is how Nairobi chics finish the boy child...A call comes from that chile/mama he’s been trying to show that he’s got some money. This woman wants to attend the Terminal concert at KICC whose cheapest ticket is 5K.

Like a demon-possessed person, the boy child quickly sends the devil in Prada 2K for transport spend another 15K on their tickets because she always has to come with a pal. Once they get to the concert the same ninja will fork an extra 10K on drinks minimum! That’s 30K...So for a boy child to entertain a girl child let’s say Friday and Saturday that’s a budget of 60k. That’s more than his rent and more than half of his total earnings.

Dating in Nairobi is daylight robbery...Surviving as a boy child is only for the smartest because when you try to impress that girl child you still have stiff competition from the real Blessers/Sponsors/Sponyooos who make it rain for that you girlfriend...So you’re trying to prove you have cash yet you’re not in the same league as the sponyo who may be your boss or dad.

Only solution for boy child survival’s is to never try to prove to a girl child you have money. Never spend more than 250 bob on the girl child. The boy child needs to be stingy on steroids...Ket the girl child tell her pals you’re “mkono gum” or whatever, that way you will sleep better knowing you’re saving...The DPP needs to come to the rescue of the boy child by charging Kenyan chics with corruption or something, the same way he’s dealing with corrupt businessmen and politicians.

If you’re seating there thinking the guys whose buildings are being demolished are having it rough, well think again. The boy child has been suffering and will continue to suffer till kingdom comes.....All the savage men who women complain about roaming the dry lands are as a result of all the shit the girl child has put them through.

This weekend no major events are popping apart from Maxi Priests family fun day happening tomorrow at Ngong Racecourse Waterfront. So please I call on the boy child to resist the urge to spend what you don’t have. If they call you waombe ya saree. Get complimentary from the girl child this weekend, we all deserve it!

As for the ladies, don’t hesitate to ask him this weekend if your relationship is built on riparian foundation. You don’t want to be demolished over the weekend and then he refuses to return your calls on Monday.

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