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October 21, 2018

Raverend Reloaded: Broke man’s love story

Man tries to mend ties with his partner
Man tries to mend ties with his partner

The dry spell season in the 254 starts the chapter of my book titled 2018, the year of the boy child... 2018 is the year the boy child should reclaim his lost glory by taking back all the 20- en 18-year-old girls who were snatched by sponsors/blessers in 2017! The boy child needs to stamp their authority on all fronts and stop being wasted by slay queens, or just do the “Odi dance”.

The boy child needs to understand they are the future of the nation, and if they don’t wake up in 2018, they will have lost the chance of ever redeeming the male species from extinction... With that said en done, let’s appreciate our girl child for kicking the boy child's arse in 2017 in every aspect!!!

I know many femi-nazis have worked round the clock to kick the boy child's ass but will not admit that it’s a competition or outright war of the sexes, where the boy child lost badly! So let #TheRaverend be the devil's advocate and call a spade a spade en not a big spoon... But that was 2017, en if I may quote the famous Kamba “mgenge hao” Wavinya Ndeti, “Yaliyo Peter si Nduwale”.

With that said en done, let’s welcome the first weekend of Njaanworry! The month technically has 65 days and it’s one large trek in the Sahara desert... If you didn’t clear your bills before embarking to binge drinking en partying like a rockstar in DrinkCember, thinking January is like one year away... You have two options: one, face your problems like a Ninja without fear or discrimination because that’s the reality of life, or two, change your phone number and social media until April, when you recover financially!!!

As many Kenyans complain about the tough times of Njaanworry, I decided to take a spot check of all the bars, pubs and clubs in the city, en I was shocked! The more Kenyans complained of brokeness and dry spell, the harder they partied... Monday prayers in most joints were not very well attended. From Buffet Park, 1824, Viva Lounge en all the clubs in the CBD, only a handful of Kenyans were present... being the 1st of the New Year that was expected, because most of us were nursing a serious hangover...

Tuesday, though, was another story. All clubs were fully operational, even the local pub around the corner in the estates/hoods... Kutoa Lock” was the order of the day... Wednesday was a different story, with Kenyans still finding reason to drink just because schools were opened and they needed to relieve stress after back-to-school manenos... The same Kenyans crying broke are the same Kenyans who can never miss cash for akohor! If you're thinking their drinking on credit, you're mistaken...

My favourite barman Kamande aka Kama confirmed to #TheRaverend that “Wakenya hawawezi kosa pesa ya Pombe”. So when you hear you pal crying they don’t have cash for rent, fuel, bus fare, etc., please ignore because it’s a trick! January is less than a week old and only a fool is broke after finishing their salary, en the bigger fool is anyone who is giving loans to family and friends who claim to be broke!

So as we count days to the end month that’s 60 days away, let’s all be sober and smart. Don’t be conned because sisi wote tulikula Christmas... The only difference is how some of us decided to do it! If you partied like it was your birthday instead of Christ's, beba msalaba yako mweyewe, because the good book says: ‘The wages of sin/overpartying is brokeness!’ 

No major events are happening this weekend. In fact, the best way to survive the remaining 60 days is stick to pubs/bars within your locality, en drink your leftover booze in your homes... Avoid unnecessary movements because it costs money! If you’re in a relationship, this is the perfect time to do stuff with your bae... Mend the relationship and pretend to be loving, because that’s the only thing broke people can afford. It costs absolutely nothing en it’s friendly to your pockets...

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