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January 21, 2019

Love matters: We are newlyweds but sex life is failing

He doesn't feel the urge often.
He doesn't feel the urge often.

Hi Rowan,


I married my second husband after a whirlwind romance, but, two years on, our sex life has almost disappeared. My husband says he loves me, but he’s never been that focused on sex and, now he’s in his 50s, he doesn’t feel the urge often. What shall I do?



 Is there anything so disheartening as a partner whose libido goes from red-hot to tepid in the blink of an eye?

The disappointment must be particularly piercing when you married in that first flush of passion, trusting that the flame would last a lifetime.

You must wonder why your husband didn’t discuss his ambivalent attitude to sex with you before you took your vows.

Almost all of us are a tad self-deluding when it comes to our disappointing habits. And when you experience strong desire, it’s almost impossible to accept that feeling might ever subside.

Providing your spouse is kind and loving in other ways, I believe he didn’t mean to let you down this badly.

However, you have to be clear-sighted about the situation you find yourself in. This man says he is contented, in his 50s, with an infrequent sex life. Where’s the real impetus for change at this stage in his life?

You could take him to a sex therapist to discover underlying reasons for his lack of passion, feed him Viagra, rage and cry and make him remorseful — but it’s verging on cruel to try to force someone to be something they’re not.

However, it’s just as cruel to deny you an active love life. 

A grown-up should be able to modify their appetites to suit their partner’s — but they shouldn’t have to starve.

Perhaps make a pact to have sex once a month, and see how you both progress?

If you love one another, a shift outside of your comfort zones must be preferable to divorce.

Poll of the day