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January 16, 2019

I’m lusting after my husband’s boss


Hi, Rowan,


For the first 15 years of marriage, all I thought of in bed was my husband, but, recently, I’ve found myself fantasising about his boss — a man I barely know and whose path I almost never cross. Now I think of him whenever we make love. I feel awful. How can I get him out of my head?


Calm down! I barely know a woman (or man) in a long-term relationship who hasn’t had a passing fixation on someone other than their partner. Often, the object of this lust is a celebrity.

Few of us feel too sinful about this kind of crush, as the unattainability of our fantasy renders the whole scenario harmless.

But you are beating yourself up because your daydreams centre around a real human being. Worse still, your fantasy lover is your husband’s boss.

Yet your choice of dream bloke isn’t that far removed from the stock famous-person fantasy.

He is remote enough from your everyday life to be as unattainable as Tom Cruise. It’s your lack of true knowledge of him that’s allowed him to become a pseudo-Christian Grey figure in your imagination. But reality is not what’s wanted here.

This fantasy works as it hinges on certain taboos. It’s precisely because you shouldn’t fancy your husband’s boss that you find the idea so thrilling.

The problem isn’t your fantasy, so much as your (unwarranted) guilt. I’d bet your husband has occasional erotic musings of his own, which don’t interfere with his passion for you. Fantasies can also be a great marital aid, spicing up love-making without threatening the marital bond.

I am certain this man will fade from your thoughts, but if you want to speed up the process, encourage your husband to tell you disparaging stories about his boss. After all, it’s hard to glorify someone who’s mean, lazy, or has dandruff.

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