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September 23, 2018

Sex is great but we are not in sync

Not in sync
Not in sync

Hi, Rowan,

I met my second husband after a whirlwind romance aged 47, just as I thought I’d never find love again. We’ve been together for four years and I’m having the best sex of my life, but we’ve never managed to reach orgasm together, which makes me sad. What can I do?

 

Has it occurred to you that you’re having the best sex of your life precisely because you take turns to concentrate on giving each other maximum pleasure, rather than striving for some ersatz Hollywood joint-climax scenario?

 The myth that coming together is easy-peasy certainly filtered down from the movies. It makes me laugh when you see women writhing in ecstasy without any form of foreplay. Back here on planet Earth, the story is somewhat different.

Women tend to want a slower and more tactile build-up than men before they reach orgasm.

  Why have you placed emphasis on achieving some kind of Earth-shattering crescendo? It’s perfectly possible to have satisfying sex where one or both partners don’t happen to have an orgasm. There’s often too much focus on one particular outcome, when feeling loved, connected and embraced can be a glorious end in itself.

 If you can open up to close friends about this worry, I am certain you will discover that almost none of them are regularly in sync with their partners.

I wonder where the pressure is coming from for you to feel your sex life is missing something — has your husband expressed any dissatisfaction? My guess is he’s more than satisfied.

 So I urge you to stop being sad and concentrate on giving and receiving pleasure. You are far more likely to find that some kind of duet moment happens by accident than design, once you free your mind from anxiety.

In short: don’t ask for the moon when you have the stars.

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