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January 21, 2019

How Brexit can help Africa unite and rise

Brexit marks the beginning of the end for Europe, and as Europe begins its descent, Africa needs to be preparing to fill that space. We need to get our affairs in order. We already have enough settlers all over Europe (they call them migrants over there), and now we need our own East India-type company to exploit trade to Africa’s advantage and thus prepare the way for a colonial takeover. By the way, for these purposes, Russia is considered Europe.

To prepare for this, we could get the eight regional economic blocs (Comesa, Cen-Sad, EAC, Eccas, Ecowas, Igad, Sadc and Uma) to rationalise into three or four manageable groups with serious intent. We will need our own Berlin conference (we can hold it in Addis) to redraw the map of Europe to suit our purposes, while choosing prime colonies for ourselves and our exports.

So, for instance the Francophone African countries would have their people running France and Belgium, as they would be best placed to understand the language and customs. 

The non-French or -English speaking countries of Europe would just have to learn either one or the other, plus an Africa-unifying language such as Swahili, to help them understand their new masters (or partners, as we may have to call ourselves in the beginning).

Finally, after a suitable period, we must then begin our civilising mission of Europe. Civilising Europe would include things such as teaching them to respect their elders, teaching them to eat sweet potatoes, yams and cassava, and weaning them off their fast food diet.

Meanwhile, in certain areas, we could engage in some useful cultural appropriation, such as taking on board their ideas about LGBT equality, while reminding our European colonies of their debt to Africa both culturally (Pushkin, Dumas and Coleridge-Taylor) and economically (they owe us big time for slavery and colonisation).

As for the US, we can leave it to the nations of South America and Canada to divide and rule, while we can leave Australia to the Chinese and the Asian bloc. 

If anyone thinks the Europeans will fight back, all of them will be too busy being European and progressive to go to war with Africans. Except the Russians, whom we could buy off - after all, they are corrupt - or use our nuclear friends the Chinese and the Indians to neuter. 

You think I’m joking about all of this, but then you also thought the idea of a Trump presidential campaign was a laugh, and you never believed Brexit would actually happen. I say Africa Unite and Africa Rising are no longer empty slogans. Dismiss me and my plan at your own risk.

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