Frank approaches the door as I hold it wide open, waiting for him to leave.
“Babe?” he asks, eyes beseeching.
I ignore him and turn my head away as he attempts to kiss me goodbye. The nerve of the guy! Isn’t this what he hates? Kissing me? I slam the door shut after him. I’m fuming! I’m I a bad kisser? If Frank doesn’t enjoy kissing me, who else doesn’t? Mr N? Eric?
My phone bleeps. GG has just sent me a text message reading: “Hey.”
That’s it. It’s official. This day cannot get any worse!!! For years, I have been trying to figure out the thought process of people who send those kinds of messages. It’s lazy. It makes no sense because you don’t state what you want. Eg. “Hey, what are you up to? Wanna hang out?”
That makes sense. Or “Hey, haven’t seen you for a while, just touching base.”
What on earth is just… Hey.
I don’t respond. And I’m pretty certain few do when faced with those three lackadaisical letters on a text message. Are guys just generally lazy? I suppose girls don’t make them work too hard in this country, especially when they have money. That is why I have decided to write a guide for the young, yet untainted male minds that will one day try to woo a woman. Are you in high school? College? First job? Here are some Dos and Don’ts off the top of my head
Do: Pay her attention.
Don’t: Treat her like a slab of meat.
Do: Learn English. With an alphabet of 26 letters you can do a lot better than picking just three letters to say… Hey.
My phone rings. This time it’s one of the delegates I met in Mombasa. I had expressed some interest in doing some work for the government and he is well connected. He had said he would give me a call. I had completely forgotten about him. That was ages ago. What a pleasant surprise! His name is Daudi.
“My wife thought something was going on between us!” He says.
Is he confusing me for someone else? I remember meeting his wife, she had accompanied him for the trip and she was quite nice.
“Meet me tonight,” he says. “I will help you with the matter we discussed.”
I hesitate at the short notice but business is business.
“What time?” I ask.
I show up to the agreed venue on time. He is not there. I meet some people I know and join them. He doesn’t show up for three hours! How inconsiderate. He walks in and says hello.
“I have a short meeting, I’ll be right back.” And he disappears to chat with some government officials. At this point I just want to go home. Another text message comes from GG.
“How are you?”
Did he finally realise I wasn’t going to respond to “Hey?”
“I’m fine,” I say.
“Where are you?” he asks.
I tell him. “I’m on my way,” he says.
An hour later he strolls in. I must say that I really like this guy. He has a calm self-assuredness about him. It’s too bad that I’m about to destroy his life. He sits to have a drink just as a waitress comes to tell me Daudi is ready to speak with me. Oh crap. I explain to GG and he shrugs, looking undisturbed.
“Hurry back,” he says.
I go join the man who holds my future government contracts in his hands.
“Let’s go to Kempinski,” he says.
It is very, very late by now. “To do what?” I ask.
He has the grace to look flustered. “My wife thinks you and I are dating so let’s make it so.”