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November 13, 2018

A letter to the president #JamesMuruaSpeaks

A letter to the president #JamesMuruaSpeaks
A letter to the president #JamesMuruaSpeaks

Dear Mr President,

I realise your long holiday in the coast was cut off by matters of national security and your hands are tied dealing with matters of national security. However, in the recent past, artists like Elani initially followed by an emotional Rufftone bared their soul about the ills in their industry. They did this by screening professionally made YouTube videos where they made appeals directly to you to intervene in the mess in their work environment.

With this in mind I figured it's only fair that a resident of the city of Nairobi should appeal to you to help in some aspects that affect our lives and possibly do something about it. This is why you, Sir, are watching this my YouTube video screened on my phone recorded selfie style after having one too many beers.

The first thing that's on my mind are bus tickets. Under normal circumstances, the clients walk into the bus and when the conductor takes money from them they then are given a ticket as evidence they have paid. This system has worked and we understand it all. However, Mr President, I was perturbed when I boarded a Citi Hoppa bus on Kencom and I was required to take my receipt BEFORE getting into the bus. What has the world come to Mr President? Being forced to take a receipt before payment? If you can look into it I would be highly grateful as this was emotionally disturbing and hugely reduced my enjoyment of Nairobi life.

While you are at it, I beg that you look into the matter of bar business and its selling of alcohol to punters who are there to rest after a long day at work. I come from a world where we drink beer from the bottle and we cover the head as we worry whether we will be victims. The victims I speak of are ones given 'mchele' (rice) which are drugs that are used to make one unable to fend off a robbing (and even raping) attack. This is done by putting the 'mchele' in the drink of an unsuspecting punter and waiting for them to lose consciousness.

When we move to what are called “fancy hotels” it's not easy to give up the paranoid behaviour that has gone a long way to ensure our lives are safe back at the local. Which is why when a waiter decides to pour your cold beer into your glass at any point you panic a bit. Mr President, I am not asking that you ramp up security and ensure drugs are not being put in our drinks at the less lofty addresses. We are all sharing the images of the notorious 'mchele' merchants to our WhatsApp group, therefore the drinkers are dealing with them 'in-house'. What I am asking is that you require that the waiters and waitresses in the fancy hotels leave our glasses and bottles alone when we are drinking until a request is made. As a fellow imbiber, you know everyone has their own drinking pace and involvement of hotel staff can reduce the enjoyment quite a bit.

Another humble request: It has been acknowledged you are the social media president, and this has come with awards galore. Therefore I feel you are the best person to help me with my social media woes. I recently joined Instagram and have been posting photos religiously for all my handful of followers. The only problem is that I only have a handful and not in the hundreds of thousands which would go a long way to stroking my ego to the levels I need to cope in the world today. The followers will surely lead into more likes which means I am surely one of the most popular people in town. While I am not sure how they will help me part from 'popularity' they will be a great comfort to me when I am broke, which happens to be 25 days of every month. Therefore you can imagine if you can help me fix my social media profile then you will be fixing my life. After all it has been said, “give a man an Instagram like and you will make him smile for up to a day; teach a man how to get Instagram likes and you will have sorted out his self-esteem for life.”

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