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January 17, 2019

'Not safe for work': Doing it right!

'Not safe for work': Doing it right!
'Not safe for work': Doing it right!

If you are going to risk looking at ‘Not Safe For Work’ material while on the job, don’t get bogged down by boring old porn. Leave that for the soon-to-be-fired amateurs … These news flashes and more in this week’s Sex in the Press.

Disclaimer: The advice/ links below may not work for every boss and/or situation - if any. You have been warned.

Traditional porn is for amateurs

NSFW is an abbreviation of “Not Safe For Work” and is meant to flag online material that may be too hot to handle by some.

In other words, your boss might find the material offensive and fire your ass. So it’s usually a good idea to leave the more traditional porn, profanity and violence for the soon-to-be-unemployed amateurs.

Instead, whenever you have the craving to indulge in some NSFW-ness at the workplace, you should make the effort to look up quality NSFW-ness.

That way, if you’re caught, you may even get away with it!

Or not...

All in the name of art...

If it’s art, your boss will be less able to call it porn – no matter how inappropriate it may be.

Articles such as ‘A brief and gloriously naughty history of early erotica in art (NSFW)’ offer a whole range of historical perv-y goodness.

Examples: cave walls scratched with vulvas, papyrus depicting orgies with horny Egyptian pharaohs, manuscripts illuminated with Turkish men with matching fez hats dancing around in a penetrative circle, etcetera.

Hot. Very hot. And as bonus, these images also have great historical and cultural value.

“The erotic is a measure between the beginnings of our sense of self and the chaos of our strongest feelings," writes the author. “In other words, eroticism is powerful. It always has been. And art is there to prove it.”

And from the late 19th century, photography became the ultimate tool to depict eroticism’s power – and as long the photos are in black-and-white, it’s even easier to call them art.

Example: ‘Vintage erotica depicts Parisian sex workers in the early 1900s (NSFW)’ may include material that some would deem pornographic, but the images also work to reflect how times have changed.

"In our present sclerosed times," the writer notes, “[with] the pornographic industry’s stultifying production of stereotyped images, perhaps some solace can be found in discovering the vanished world of a few intriguing eroticists of the past.”

Indeed: very intriguing.

Deeply educational NSFW

Like spicy art, spicy science is also much harder to criticise than stereotyped images. After all, it’s educational!

For example, we can learn a lot from our friends in the plant and animal kingdoms: ‘#JunkOff Is turning Twitter into a wondrous and definitely NSFW sex museum’.

The hashtags #junkoff and #humpoff are collecting the work of biologists covering the wondrous world of non-human reproduction. And you thought humans were kinky!

But if human reproduction is more your thing: ‘Amazing MRI scan video captures couple having sex’ provides some compelling viewing. And while you do witness the full penetrative act, no skin is exposed!

Deeply weird NSFW

Another way to potentially get away with viewing NSFW material at the workplace is to watch something so deeply weird that it leaves your boss too flabbergasted to remember to fire you.

Some nice examples:

‘We got a bunch of people to draw us their ideal sex robots’.

‘A New York photographer dresses up penises in cute tiny costumes’.

‘The indiscreet art of ass puppetry’.

And the winner: ‘In Search of the Ultra-Sex is basically all of the weirdest porn movies rolled into one [NSFW]’. This link shows the trailer of a new movie that “combines footage from Edward Penishands, Space Thing, some weird Asian movies, and a few other bizarre porn classics, tied together with a weird plot about searching for a substance called ‘The Ultra-Sex’, before everybody on Earth is turned into nymphomaniacs.”

Sounds hot. Sounds NSFW.

Or is it? Perhaps it’s just pleasantly eccentric.

Totally safe NSFW

‘Scrotum and Totem: Phallic Cartography 101’ teaches us how we can all become penis spotters – whether they’re popping out of a hiking map or a weather map.

For example, did you know that the map on the back of the original 1- and 2-euro coins featured Sweden as an obvious penis and Finland as an obvious scrotum? As the expression goes: “Once you see it, you can never un-see it”.

“And if you think that's far out, get this: phallic cartography is conquering space. This image shows the Mars Rover kicking up dust in a by now very familiar pattern. Is this a coincidence?”

No. Because everything’s NSFW as long as you have the proper perspective.


More resources on: Sex and the internet

Read more about: Pornography: do's and don'ts, Animal genitals: a gift that keeps giving, Penises. Everywhere. More articles on: pornography

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