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September 25, 2018

I am over my boyfriend, should I dump him?

Hi Valentine,

I am 24 years old and I have been dating this guy for two years. He is still in college but I just graduated from campus. The issue is that I don’t feel the chemistry that was there anymore. His texts are boring and our bedroom romp is pathetic. I am afraid to hurt him if I break up with him. What should I do?

Nicole

 

First of all Nicole, congratulations on your recent graduation! How exciting. This is a great time in your life when you get to make decisions whose consequences will stay with you for years to come. How you choose to use your degree, what kind of job you pick and of course the man you choose to partner you at this time are all crucial choices.

It seems to me that you brought up the fact that your man is still in college because it matters to you. Do you feel that he is lagging behind you? Or that you are now in two different stages of life and you have outgrown him? You have also used some rather harsh words to describe your interaction: boring? Pathetic? Ouch! Frankly, it sounds like you don’t even like this guy anymore. I can just see you rolling your eyes when you get a text from him.

I am glad you said that you don’t want to hurt him and I hope you use that to guide you as you break this guy’s heart. Do not tell him that you find him boring or pathetic in bed. Find a reason that rings true for you and please be polite and be clear. You must say ‘I do not want to date you any more’ so that he gets that you are breaking up and not taking a break or some other foolishness. It will feel harsh but it is kinder than keeping him guessing.

After two years together, breaking up will hurt this man and you will also miss him. So please do not set yourself up by saying that you can be friends. You might be able to cultivate a friendship in a few months but right after the initial break? No. Hanging out will be painful for both of you.

Good luck Nicole. You might feel like a bad person for hurting someone you care about but in the long run, a clean break is kinder than stringing someone along and perhaps treating them badly in an effort to get rid of them. I wish you all the bet as you start this new phase in your life.

 

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El Nino is finally here and it might be time to focus on your sex life before Christmas gets here and you get distracted by family and friends. How about you commit to having sex everyday it rains? Regardless of traffic (the Pope is coming, there will be traffic) and whatever else happens? Each sexual encounter will not be mind-blowing or even orgasmic but it will bring you and your partner closer in a whole new way.

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