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December 14, 2018

Is she faking it?

Hi Valentine,

I am still in campus and I have a new girlfriend. I suspect that she is faking her orgasms. How can I tell? Also how can I make sure she doesn’t fake them anymore?



Congratulations on your new relationship Amos and I wish there were more men like you, interested in a woman’s orgasm and trying to make sure that their partners are enjoying sex. Typically I would not say anything but in a world of many ‘Mollis’ types, and those who celebrate them, it needs saying. We need more gentle men, more sensitive lovers in our midst.

Now on to your question: You cannot ‘make sure’ that your partner does not fake her orgasm. Women fake for various reasons. She could be tired and wants the sex to end; she might feel self-conscious about taking too long to finish; it might be an off day when she knows that she will not have and orgasm; or she might not want you to feel bad after all your hard work… only she can give you a conclusive answer.

So is she faking? Well there are physiological signs of a woman’s arousal – erect nipples, flushed skin especially around the chest and neck (you might not be able to see this on dark skinned women), a lubricated vagina and sweating. Also when a woman orgasms, her vaginal muscles will clench around your penis or your fingers, depending on what you used to get her to the finish line. During orgasm, we (men and women) exhibit spontaneous and uncontrolled muscle spasms which clench our feet, arch our backs, make our breathing heavier and make us make sounds that we don’t typically make. All this physical drama is hard to fake effectively.

As a general rule of thumb it takes most women about 20 to 30 minutes of focused foreplay to have an orgasm. However, we are all different and just to make it more complicated; each woman’s body is different at different times of her cycle. While ovulating, we have stronger and easier orgasms, and it takes longer to climax just before our period starts.

You are the one having sex with this young woman so I trust your assessment and instinct. However I would not suggest that you ask her if she is faking, it will sound like an accusation. Instead I suggest that you shift the focus of your encounters from ‘finishing’ to pure pleasure.

You could take intercourse off the menu and tell her that you just want to focus on getting to know each other’s bodies. With your fingers, tongues and lips dedicated to each other’s pleasure for a few hours, you will soon find out what her real orgasm feels like. Also knowing that the only goal is to enjoy each other should ease any discomfort and you will find all manner of hot spots on her body – ears, back of the knees, her lower back etc. that you might not have found in rushed session.

Good luck Amos and again, great to meet a gentle man and dare I say, great lover in the making.

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