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November 21, 2018

I am with my dream man, but I am nervous in bed

Valentine, there is this guy I have liked since college but he didn’t even notice me. We recently met at a wedding and we have been dating. My problem is, he makes me so nervous. Imagine my hands shake before I see him? He is very handsome and we have a lot of fun once I relax. The other day, we had sex and I was so nervous, everything was dry. Now I am scared he will dump me because it wasn’t all that. What do I do?

A. Mureithi


Well, Ms Mureithi, first of all congratulations on snagging your crush of many years. It is not at all surprising that after all these years when you finally get your dream guy, you are nervous. Of course you are nervous, this guy matters to you. It happens to all of us — the shaking hands, breaking out into a sweat, not being your usual funny and entertaining self. Were you scared to leave the table and go to the loo at any time during your first few dates? It happens, and if it makes you feel better, he is nervous too.

I’d say just relax but that is obviously not happening. How about you tell him? Don’t say ‘you make me nervous’ because that sounds like he is doing something wrong, when in fact the opposite is true. Instead say something like, ‘I am really enjoying getting to know you and I really liked you but I think we might have jumped into the sack a little too quickly. Can we take things a little slower?’

He might of course think that this is your way of dumping him because, as you say, the sex ‘wasn’t all that’ and you can use this opportunity to reassure him.

Before you eventually have sex with him again, buy some lubricant and whatever else you need to make yourself comfortable — candle light is flattering, as is lingerie, some wine to loosen you both up and the right music to set the mood. Also try to remember that you have had years of liking this man, thinking about him and making him out to be a really big deal. By taking things a little slow, you will get to know him, not date the fantasy of him. Try to be honest with yourself. Is he what you really want? Does the reality fit the fantasy? If not (because he probably won’t fit), do you still want to continue seeing him?

I find when I am dating someone that time away from him and the noise he creates in my life (desire, anxiety, excitement etc) really helps me to figure out how I feel about him and what my instincts are telling me. The occasional weekend apart, or even a week when you focus on work, friends and family, is helpful.

Take heart Mureithi, this will all work out and when you do eventually have sex with him again, remember that it is not a performance, but rather you expressing your affection for each other and having a great time.

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