Alyssa felt guilty when she had sex with her lover for the first time. Because she was the ‘other’ woman…
The guilt descended after our first date. It was a quick meeting at a coffee shop near my office. He had to return home in time to put his daughters to bed. We were both jumpy and kept looking around, hoping we wouldn’t spot anyone familiar and hurriedly thinking up excuses if we did.
After he left, I started wondering if every meeting with him be like this… him rushing home and me, left alone with nothing but my thoughts? Those thoughts were brutal, because they left me feeling like I was a home-wrecker, a slut, a woman with no morals.
We are all defined by and given identities based on the relationships we have with people. We are someone’s daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, girlfriend, wife, boss and so on. What happens when one day, you are given an identity that changes your life in a way you never thought it would?
One day, out of the blue, my friend asked me if I enjoyed being the ‘other’ woman.
I had no answer for her because till then I hadn’t thought of myself as one. The ‘other’ woman was this vamp-like character, hated by all of society and confined to the dregs of existence by all movies and TV shows. She was heartless, cold and ruthless. I wasn’t anything like her.
Too deep in love
I felt what we were doing was morally wrong and could hurt someone. I knew that even if he said he loved me, he wouldn’t leave his family and I didn’t even want him to. I knew that what we had wouldn’t last forever. I knew that my church would disown me if they knew about this. I knew and accepted all of this.
What I wasn’t ready for was the guilt that would follow me around.
Yet, four years on and we are still together. I am still the ‘other’ woman. I still feel guilty but I have learned to live with that guilt.