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December 17, 2018

My wife has sexually starved me for eight years

Hi Madam Valentine,

My name is Samuel and I must thank you for the informative assistance you are selflessly offering to people. My main problem is that after the birth of our second child, my wife refused completely to sleep with me in the same bed. Whenever the sexual desire is too much on my side we have to quarrel and she gives me only once and the next round will be ‘God knows when’, may be after another month. My second born now is turning eight years and believe me, I have never had mpango wa kando but the situation now is unbearable and I am contemplating whether I should divorce her. The main problem is that I love my boys very much and I don’t allow them to be away from me but at the same time I am now longing for my days before marriage. My love life was robust. Please kindly advice because I am planning seriously to look for a serious lady for serious relationship and finally marriage.



Oh Samuel, I am so sorry to hear about the state of your marriage and home. Many people like to act like sex is not a big deal but I truly believe that a great sex life is a difficult thing to create and maintain, especially in a long term relationship. Living with sexual rejection is very painful.

Feeling like you are undesirable and unwanted especially when your moral compass will not allow you to be unfaithful can be its own special version of hell. At first glance, sex might seem like a stand-alone issue but it truly isn’t. Sex is affection, communication, play and so much more.

When your spouse refuses to even share a bed with you, she is rejecting your touch, early morning cuddling, late night conversations and lazy Sundays spent wrapped around each other when the kids are with the grandparents. She has relegated you to roommate status Samuel. Pole sana.

I do not understand how people can deny their spouses sex and still expect them to be faithful. Of course bringing this up with your wife will sound like a threat to cheat, however nicely you put it, but perhaps you should ask her. Eight years is a very long time and you do want this marriage to work.

I admire your commitment to this marriage and your family. I also recognise that if you knew how to talk about this with your wife and solve the problem, you would have. I strongly suggest that you go for counselling.

A professional is not only trained to listen to you both and hear the underlying issues, he or she will also give you new tools and skills regarding how to express yourself more effectively. Counselling will also be an opportunity for you to get to the truth about why your wife finds sex so abhorrent and why she avoids intimacy all together.

This will not be an easy road or a short one. Expect to be in therapy for at least a year. If she refuses to go, I would still urge you to go on your own. Good luck and I wish you all the best.

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