We all know the rules and when you break them, there are very painful consequences. There is a class of Kenyans for whom however, the rules do not apply – Very Important People or VIPs. If they steal in the billions, they are invited to every Harambee in town as they will be sure to share the wealth with those in need. If they are alleged to have sexually assaulted someone, these people will be seen in front of cameras dismissing their accusers. To make matters worse, they will accuse them of seeking money from them. The number of Kenyan politicians who have ever been convicted of a crime and gone on to serve their time is almost unheard of. Punishments for mere mortals do not seem to apply to these mighty people.
As I watched these people pontificating in their importance, I started thinking there must be a way that we as a society can get some of these folks to feel the wrath of the little man and woman. Because the normal punishments, which we consider as big as they come do not apply, perhaps we can go down another route. Perhaps we can try and give them the punishment that gives them aibu ndogo ndogo (small embarrassments) that would ensure they too feel the pain of their indiscretions. Here are a few suggestions.
1) Inconvenience their cars
The worst offenders on our roads today must be those who are being chauffeured around town in big cars and their motorcades. These fellows ride on the wrong side of the road inconveniencing everyone as they have to go about their work that is more important – even if they are rushing for lunch at one of the exclusive restaurants in town. The best way to get back at them is to quietly deflate their car tyres when their drivers are not looking if the possibility opens itself. More points for those who can do this while in traffic so that they can learn to sit in there like the rest of us.
2) Stones in their shoes
Important folks have been embarrassed on TV; reason being they had a torn sock. If these folks can be made to look so bad by such a minor thing, then why not go the whole hog. When one anticipates they will be in the hallowed presence of an important person, one must carry little stones; and when possible they should be thrown into the VIPs show. This is especially recommended when they are about to stand before a podium, so that they can give their whole speech wondering why they are so uncomfortable as they do so.
3) Apprehend their loyalty points
Today, many companies are offering points for purchases so that the user remains loyal to the brand. These companies are anything from telecommunications, retail, airlines and everyone in between. These VIPs have access to some of the highest number of points due to their purchases that usually go into six or even seven figures. To ensure they are with their loyalty points which they hope to use to buy, say, plane tickets for a mpango wa kando (clandestine lover), one needs to hack their systems and steal the points and transfer to another individual. This will mean they will be forced to keep going back to their bank account to their annoyance.
4) Mean faces and rude gestures
The most potent weapon in punishing these horrid VIPs has got to be our facial expressions. For so many years, we have met these 'folk heroes' with joyous faces that say we are very happy to see them. Henceforth, you are asked to frown horribly whenever we are in the vicinity of a VIP. And to make the anger even more effective, if we can get away with it we are advised to show the rudest signs that we can with our hands. If these folks go to places and are constantly dealing with glaring looks, rude signs and even refusal to shake their hands, they will be forced to change their attitude. They are not heroes so they will have to know that we are onto them.
Venue review: The Edge Lounge, Moi Avenue
There had been some discussion on my social media pages about this new place in town called The Edge Lounge. Being of a curious nature, I made my way to have a cold beer at the venue on Moi Avenue last Thursday evening.
One of the first things I noted as I was being frisked before walking in was a gentleman wearing a faded light-coloured T-shirt emblazoned “Southpole” at the front. I didn't pay too much attention to this man as I had to navigate a very well lit staircase – not ideal for those on wheelchairs.
When I got to the top of the landing, I was very impressed with what I could see; there were two levels of a very well designed place. Around me were men in black suits ensuring the punters in here were 'feeling suits'. I made my way to this counter to my left and had a seat. I was quickly approached by a barman with a black pair of trousers and a top with black and white stripes reminiscent of the garb worn in Kenyan prisons. My cold Tusker here was retailing at Sh200, the (sad) new standard for drinking in these lounges in Nairobi.
There was a TV above the counter which was playing some music that I haven't heard in quite a while. Some of the tunes being spun by Video DJ Ben Ami were from the earlier part of the millenium like Shakira and Wyclef Jean's Hips Don't Lie and Habibi by Rahat Fateh Ali Khan, Salim & Sulaiman. Across from the entrance, almost a whole wall was screening the same music. It must have been an epic look when the football was on during weekends. As I bobbed my head to the music, I was reminded of the man (wearing Southpole T-shirt) at the venue and I realised something – for all I know, the gentleman had come in here so that he could go back in time when his shirt was the hippest thing as a young man.
The crowd in here was an interesting mix of both younger and older punters of both sexes, with professionals being the one factor that seemed to bring them together.
A quick recap of the venue:
Good: Amazing décor, decent service, clean washrooms, TV for the sports fanatics,
Bad: Disability unfriendly, emergency exits not convincing
My verdict: Great music and decent service right within town. Nothing not to like.
Twitter: @jamesmurua