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January 24, 2019

Help, my married mistress is pregnant

Hello Valentine,

I am a youth aged 23 years and last year I fell in love with a 42-year-old lady. She is married and a mother of two. She is carrying my ‘ball’ of six months. I have really tried my best to end this relationship but every time I fall into temptations with her. Please advise me on how to go about it? She says that she loves me so much that she would divorce her husband just to marry me.



Well Matthew, I think the ‘it’s complicated’ status on Facebook was made just for you. How do you break up with a married woman who is carrying your child? Are you willing to have your child raised by another man? Do you want her to give you your child to raise?

You say that you are ‘a youth’ but that sounds like an attempt to shirk your responsibility as a man and as father. You are an adult. You can vote, drink, drive and even run for MP of your area. You are young, but a man none the less; and it is time you started acting like it. Make progress, not excuses.

You chose to date a married woman and have unprotected sex with her. You are now going to be a father. If you were hoping that I would tell you how best to avoid your responsibility as a father, you wrote to the wrong columnist. In three short months you will be able to find out if the child is indeed yours. In the meantime, I suggest you save for a DNA test and start putting some money aside to welcome your baby into the world, delivery is not cheap.

Regarding your relationship, if you truly want to break up with this woman then man up and tell her that. You must follow your words with action which in your case is complicated because she might be carrying your child so you cannot simply go silent. You can, however, limit your communication until after the paternity test. After that you have to make the difficult choice to tell or not tell her husband that the new-born is yours.

I do not envy your position Matthew, and resolving it will not be easy. It is however doable, even if the ‘how’ does not seem clear right now. Decide what you want, and let that guide you — to break up with this woman? Then stop having sex with her. To take care of your child?

Then let her know that and together come up with a plan. You might have to speak to her husband alone and he might want to beat you up and leave her. Be prepared and possibly talk to some older male relatives who can help you navigate these murky waters. Pole sana Matthew, but like all things in life, this situation is not permanent.

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