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November 18, 2018

Help, our libidos are mismatched

Valentine,

My husband keeps bothering me for sex. I think we are fine and I am satisfied with one or twice a week. He wants it every day, in fact he would prefer we stay home on weekends and do nothing else. I am starting to avoid him and I feel chased.

Yvonne

 

Hahaha! Yvonne, I am not laughing at you but your description is hilarious. I have a visual of you literally running away from this man or feigning sleep when he reaches for you in the night. Sorry, you sound harassed and I imagine you are starting to feel very uncomfortable in your home which is never pleasant.

So what to do? Well before we tackle your feelings, let us consider those of your husband. I wonder when this started and whose sexual appetites have changed; did yours dip or did his spike? Your husband might be feeling undesirable, sexually rejected and unattractive. Hearing no and being met with zero enthusiasm when we initiate sex is not easy to take.

If his desire for you has spiked, ask why. Did he start exercising? Has he achieved a major success in life like a promotion, or success in business? Did someone close to him die recently and he wants to reaffirm life by celebrating all its pleasures?

Conversely you might ask yourself what is behind your lack of desire for him. Is this a new thing or did you always feel this way? Have you put on weight? Had a baby recently? Are there money problems in the relationship or perhaps unresolved communication issues? Is your career not going well? Our sex drive is affected by so many things that seem unrelated.

You must talk to this man, your sex life is after all your mutual creation and you enjoy it together. Tell him how you feel but also be willing to listen to him if he is ready to say how he feels. Marriage, like other relationships, is filled with seasons. Sometimes you feel super close, others you are a little distant. Sometimes you are completely in tune sexually and others like now, you need to hit reset on the sex life, but you will get through this. Who knows, this time next year it might be you asking for more sex.

 

Sex Tip

How about asking your partner what their sexual fantasy is? A friend of mine recently told me that he dreams of having a threesome but he is scared to even mention it to his wife because he does not want to ruin what they have. His fears are completely understandable, as is the fear of asking to be promoted. You could ruin what you have at the company, but you could also have your dreams come true.

Take a chance and share your fantasy with your partner. You could try it out and blow each other’s minds, or it could go horribly wrong and you will have a new inside joke. Regardless, it will probably bring you closer.

Poll of the day