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February 18, 2019

Sex Will Destroy Me

Hi Valentine,

I am 21 year old and a second year student in university. I have been in a relationship for three years now with a high school girl who is completing school this year. The relationship has been good until this last holiday when she told me that she does not trust men because they are the same. She even suggested that we break up but later told me that she was joking.The last time we talked, I asked if we can have sex but I was surprised when she told me that I wanted to destroy her life because sex will waste her.

Should I let her go? Or be patient? Please help me, I love that girl and I have never played her. To make matters worse I have already introduced her to my family members and friends and I have met her mother on the phone.


 Ouch Simon; talk about having the rug pulled out from under you. One minute you are in a stable relationship with a girl you adore and the next she is accusing you of being like all other untrustworthy men and threatening to break up with you. In a conversation your relationship went from safe to almost over then she didn’t acknowledge this and instead claimed she was joking. We shouldn’t mention break-ups unless we intend to actually end the relationship because the threat of heartbreak makes our partners start protecting themselves.

 Then now you want sex, from a woman who has decided she does not trust men. Sex is a very intimate form of human communication and I think there are two things going on here (a) you asked at the wrong time; and (b) she is not ready to have sex.

Your girlfriend came home for the holidays having decided that men are not to be trusted. I think you should find out what precipitated this change in attitude. Was it something you did? Has a friend recently been treated shabbily by a boyfriend? Did her father leave her mother?

 She used very strong language to say no to sex, ‘you want to destroy my life’ and ‘sex will waste me’ are very strong statements filled with accusation and fear of sex. It is true that the consequences of careless and unprotected sex are usually worse for women and girls.

At her age, she might have chosen to focus on education and getting a degree like you. An unwanted pregnancy would slow down all that, or derail her entirely if her family decided to stop investing in her. Most people would agree that she is making the smart choice by refusing to have sex for now.

It sounds to me like you have a smart and scared girlfriend on your hands. She is fearful of men and sex and the havoc that they can create in a young woman’s life, and rightfully so. I would suggest that you be patient and keep talking about where her fears and concerns come from.

You obviously love and value her so why not work on the relationship itself before delving into sex? If one the other hand, you just want sex, then you could break up and remain friends with her while you pursue sex with other people. Take care of yourself and use condoms.

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