Valentine, please don’t laugh at me? I am 24 and I have been having sex for years but I don’t know if I have ever had an orgasm. What does it feel like? I have enjoyed sex but I have never had that crazy pleasure feeling women look like they are having in porn. What can I do to have it?
Sylvia I am not going to laugh at you, in fact I am going to commend you for asking such a vulnerable question. Unlike men who have physical proof of orgasm through ejaculation, women’s orgasms vary in intensity and manifestation: from woman to woman and as if that wasn’t confusing enough, from day to day and even from orgasm to orgasm.
Many women are walking around pretending that they know what orgasm is or discounting its importance and frankly that is sad. Just the other day a man told me that women do not have to orgasm during sex.
I told him he is an irresponsible lover and it is bad sex manners to leave his partner turned on and unsatisfied. So Sylvia, thank you for your question.
For many women, comfort is an essential part of orgasm. Comfort in your body and comfort in your surroundings and with your partner. Try walking around naked and really looking at your naked body in the mirror when you get a chance.
The point here is to get you to accept what your sexual playground looks like today. This is not a joke: wearing socks increases your chances of having an orgasm because your feet are warm and that makes you more comfortable.
And finally pick a partner that you can be yourself around, and have contraception you trust so you aren’t worried about pregnancy and infection.
If you can get your hands on Tim Ferris’s book called The 4 Hour Body, please do because he (and a few experts) have figured out how women can have a 15-minute orgasm. Here are some child friendly tips but get the book for more info:
— Masturbate for five minutes every day for a month. Whether it is the last or first thing you do every day, commit to this for about 30 days. It will get you used to how your body feels, what it responds to, and what you tell yourself during sex — ‘it feels good I should stop’ ‘when is it going to end?’ ‘I am naughty’… there is a litany of shame and guilt between every woman and her orgasm and masturbating will get you to hear your own soundtrack and give it up. You don’t have to analyse where it came from or make it mean anything about you, just let it go.
— Tallulah Sulis, a specialist in female ejaculation, says “For almost all women, the most sensitive part of the clit(oris) will be the upper-left-hand quadrant from their perspective, around one o’clock from the man’s perspective.” Touch ever so lightly for about 15 minutes and see what happens.
I wrote a series on female orgasm in April last year (called it Opril) and you can find it on The Star’s website. Your orgasm is about accessing a certain level of your humanity, letting your sensual nature show and inhabiting your skin… giving yourself permission to feel good. Congratulations Sylvia, you’ve started the journey and I wish you joy and many many many orgasms.