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December 14, 2018

My sex life is boring

Hi Valentine,

I have always been intrigued by you and your writing. You must be one of those chicks who don’t care what people think. My question is: my husband is 12 years older than me and we have been married for almost nine years. These days our sex life is so boring and it’s him. He is not open but I want to try new things. I don’t know how to tell him. What can I do?

Anne

 

Ha ha ha Anne! Like all people I care what the people closest to me think, but I also believe that this column makes a difference in Kenyans' lives. With very little sex education and sexual conversation that is usually shrouded in morality, judgment and religion, I like to think of this column as a huge public service.

But anyway let’s talk about you and your husband. It sounds to me like you both might have settled into roles where he is the sexually experienced teacher and you are the sexually naïve ingénue, because he is 12 years older. Now after nine years, you want something a little more spontaneous and fresh and it is difficult to bring it up because that is not your role in the relationship.

I love that you are taking responsibility for you sex life and doing something about it. We could approach this in two ways: you could simply switch roles and become the teacher; or you could have a conversation and tell him that you want to spice things up.

Even for me who writes about sex on a weekly basis, talking about it with the person I am having it with is challenging. You don’t want to hurt your man’s feelings or leave him feeling inadequate and insecure in your relationship. For this reason I think we should go with the first option, just do what you want to do, don’t talk about it first. Do you want semi-public sex like in a dark parking lot? How about changing location in your house — the kitchen, or living room? What about the balcony if you have one? Would you like to blindfold him with one of your scarves and have your way with him? What about lingerie?

Anne, it might surprise you to hear that if you are bored, then chances are that he is too. You might have a very grateful man in your arms when you try something fresh because it will give him permission to do the same. If I am right and he thinks of you as his sexual student, then he might have run out of ideas or simply grown tired of being the partner who is responsible for sexual pleasure in the relationship. Just like women appreciate it when their men step into the kitchen and prepare a meal, your man will appreciate your new sexual ideas. He will probably ask where that came from and that will give you an opportunity to talk about what is going on for you.

You go girl!

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