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January 21, 2019

Love or a Sex Fog?

Hi Valentine,

I am Lameck from Eldoret and my issue is that there is a girl I met about three months ago and I love her and she loves me too. The first day we met, we became friends and then lovers. She told me that she has a boyfriend but she loves me more than him. Secondly, she is one month pregnant with this guy and she is four years older than me.  Despite all these issues, she really claims she loves me so much and I also love her the same way.  She is asking if I can take the responsibility of the expected child and become her husband and I really do not know what to do.  Please help me Valentine?  Thanks

Well Lameck… let me start by congratulating you on your new found love. It’s great isn’t it? Meeting someone that you really like and finding that she feels the same way about you? Spending time together, getting to know each other? That obsessive feeling and fascination by another person; also the joy of finding out new things about her?

But now Lameck, let us look at what you have found out in three short months. Your girlfriend is committed to another man and she has been having unprotected sex with him. She has chosen to be unfaithful to that man during her pregnancy and created another serious relationship with you. I am all for women choosing what to do with their bodies but is this the kind of wife you want?  Is this the mother you want for your children?

When lovers are in each others arms, the world seems far away but children and marriage soon shatter that illusion. If you choose to become a step-father, the father of that child may very well become a permanent fixture in your life. Would you trust this woman to be faithful to you? When it comes to her age and the four-year gap, I might be in the minority here but I don’t think it matters – you can’t change it so it is like worrying about sunrise. 

I suggest that you take time to before you make a decision. Everything seems urgent because there is a baby on the way but frankly, this is not your emergency. It is hers. She has to have a father for that child by Easter. You are a single man without such encumbrances and you can take your time getting to know her better before you make a decision that alters the course of four people’s lives – yours, hers, the baby’s and her boyfriend’s. 

You might find a short break from her highly beneficial. Schedule a business trip or go visit a friend for a few days or a week if you can manage it. Putting distance between yourself and her might give you some mental clarity away from the urgent and illicit sex you are having in this affair. You may find that what you are calling love is a sex fog of hormones, desire and the flattering news that someone wants you for a husband and the father of her children. Give yourself until Christmas to decide.

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