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January 22, 2019

How much sex is normal?

Hi Valentine,

My problem is that I am in a situation that I think is abnormal.  My problem is that I only take 10 minutes during intercourse then I stop after ejaculation since my penis gets weak. What can I do to improve?  Kindly help



Well Alan, questions like yours confirm that when it comes to sex education and information, our education system is hugely inadequate. Thanks to the groundbreaking research of William Masters and Virginia Johnson we know that human sexual response has four stages:

1)      the excitement phase when our heart rates increase, as does our blood pressure and breathing

2)      the plateau phase (full arousal before orgasm).  Men will have a full erection and women’s vaginas are lubricated to facilitate penetration.

3)      orgasm - ejaculation in the male and waves of pleasure in women

4)      the final resolution phase. 

What you are calling a ‘weak penis’ after ejaculation is a totally normal part of the resolution phase.  All men experience a refractory period between ejaculation and their next erection.  The duration of this varies from man to man and tends to increase with age. You cannot change this time period but you can make sure that you bring your partner to orgasm before you ever start intercourse.

You can use your fingers to play with her clitoris or try oral sex.  This way by the time you begin intercourse, even if you don’t last too long, you partner will be relatively satisfied.  It is also important to note that sex lasts about 10 minutes.  If you play some music you will notice that you are done by the time you get to song number four, and if you choose lingala, your session will be over before the song.



Valentine what is the frequency of love making amongst married couples? I feel like I am not getting enough.



Alex you are hilarious!  Are you hoping that like a doctor I will give a prescription and say something like ‘three times during week’?  Like most things between couples, there is no prescription that fits everyone.

Some couples have sex daily, others weekly or monthly and yet others have sex twice a year.  Libido and sexual desire vary in our lifetimes depending on the state of our health and minds.

If you improve the health of your circulatory system you will note a spike in desire. A promotion at work or success in business may do the same and surprisingly so might the death of a loved one.

More than sexual release, sex is communication, play, comfort, affection and validation.  The increased or decreased need for any of these will affect your libido.

In a society where women’s bodies are considered property that can be bought and sold; and reparations for heinous violations such as rape are made in cash and commodities I would be an irresponsible fool to indicate how much sex I think you should be having and have that used as a tool to indict wives who are ‘not performing’ and perhaps force them into sex.

Talk to your wife and tell her that you desire her and would like more sex then you can create a sex life that honours and reflects both your levels of desire and meets both your needs. Ultimately we all want to be having sex with a generous lover who desires us; not an unwilling partner who feels obliged and thus resentful.

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