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September 25, 2018

He is just not that into you

Over drinks with three guys the other day, a young woman walked over to the table and said hi to all but one of the guys. When she walked away, I asked what that was about and the ignored man said, "Apparently we dated and I dumped her and hurt her."

When I asked what happened in his world he said, "We met over drinks like this… you know, a bunch of friends at a table in a bar. After a few hours and many drinks we kissed and exchanged numbers.

She called me the weekend after and invited me to dinner with her friend at her house. I took my ‘this is not a date friend’, we ate, drank a little and left.

She kept calling for a few weeks – I didn’t respond because I was not interested. In her world, we dated and I was hurtful. To me, we kissed once, went on one date … end of story." This story sounded all too familiar. Ladies why do we do this?

 Over the years I have sat down with many women and talked about boys or men we liked. I can almost hear this young woman talking to her friends and creating a love story when there isn’t one, "We had so much fun the night we met. We even kissed, and it was magic. Then we had our date, and he has just been busy. You know his job is very demanding." I can do this with ease because I am so guilty of this crime.

 Do you remember the book He’s Just Not That Into You? They botched up the movie, but the writers really got that dating premise right. If a man is into you, he will leave no doubt in your mind, nor will he take the chance that you might be scooped up by someone else.

I have been dating for 20 years, some might even call me a veteran and ladies, you shouldn’t be wondering if a man likes you. You should know.

To be clear, he should make sure that you know. Men know exactly what dates look like. In fact, they put a lot of effort into planning them and creating them; and they spend a lot on them… if they like you.

In my 20-year dating career, I have wasted a lot of time on guys who didn’t really like me. Some of them, I really liked, and I made myself so easily available that they took what I served to them on a platter. I ended up hurt and rejected. In the last few months, I have only given my time and attention to men who clearly like me, and that reversal has made a huge difference.

 Unrequited love and affection is not ‘women’s country’ – there are men who live there too. But I think women feed the beast collectively.

Our friends commiserate and offer explanations for why the man isn’t calling and paying us the kind of attention we want, and we spend hours thinking about the person. It sounds a lot easier said than done, but stop talking about this man and choose a mantra to say to yourself when thoughts of him leap to mind. Try ‘he’s just not that into you’. It’s the truth, and it doesn’t imply that there is anything wrong with either of you.

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