Valentine, my wife never seems to be in the mood. What can I do? She says she is tired and it is true she is — we have three children and we both work full time. I don’t want to cheat but I need sex.
Well Brian, I really like the bluntness of your question and you know what, you should have sex. Just the other day I was talking with friends who are mothers and they were reminiscing on how little sex they had with their partners when their kids were younger. Mothers are terrified that their children will find them having sex or hear them. They are also exhausted and I really like that you are sensitive to that. That said, you matter, the state of your marriage matters and your sex life is of paramount importance to the family as a whole. So what to do?
This is one of those situations where less talk and more action will do the trick. Your lives have changed and now you have to prioritise and plan your sex life. This may sound unromantic because we think sex should ‘just happen’ but obviously that doesn’t work with three kids in the house.
- Put the kids to bed. Mothers report that this and bath time are particularly tiring with young children, so do it. If you can pour your wife a glass of wine and light a candle then go and deal with the kids, that will work wonders. It will give her a chance to shift gears, and a few minutes of silence.
- Date your wife. Create a weekly date night where you catch up with each other as people. This is not a ‘management meeting’ to talk about bills, savings and other family issues. If a night is difficult, perhaps you can do lunch or breakfast on Saturday? Or you can go for a walk in the arboretum? Exercising together will get the blood flowing and increase both your sex drives.
- Flirt with her — it sounds like your wife is so caught up in being ‘career woman’ and ‘mummy’ that she is neglecting her sexy womanly aspects. You should remind her just how beautiful and sexy you think she is, especially after three kids. But don’t just tell her, show her: playfully grab her butt when you bump into her in the house, pull her into your arms and kiss her deeply before she goes to work, send her texts in the middle of the day telling her what parts of her body you wish you were touching…
- Send the kids and the maid away — call in a favour with a friend, a sibling or your parents and ask them to baby sit for a weekend. If you can afford it, take your wife away for the weekend. If not, lie and say you are taking your wife away for a trip but stay home. Go grocery shopping and get DVDs of sexy and romantic movies. Also buy some candles. Tell your wife you have missed her and seduce her. Or you could take a day off work and spend it in bed. I know a couple that does this once a month and they say it reconnects them.
Good luck Brian