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December 19, 2018

My first time was a flop

Hi Valentine,

Since my childhood I had never engaged in sex and now that I am 21, I decided to break my virginity.  When I did, I had an erection yes, but it was hard for me to penetrate my lady because I was not hard enough.  I really tried to force it to penetrate her but I couldn’t. What could be the problem?



Hey Kevin, congratulations on making a big life-changing decision.  While sex is very natural and human, it is not the easiest part of life to navigate and as you are finding, it is rife with complications.  You are not alone here but you are special because you asked for help.  A lot of people just suffer on their own hoping that a great sex life will sneak into their bedroom like a Nairobi thief in the night.

It sounds like you were suffering from performance anxiety.  Your penis has to get filled with blood for it to get hard.  Any mental activity that makes you anxious or nervous will get in the way of that by affecting your blood circulation system. Considering it was your first time you might have been telling yourself that you have to impress your lady and make sure that she has a memorable time.  Perhaps you hadn’t even told her it was your first time and you were hoping she wouldn’t notice?

In the pursuit of sexual happiness there are five things you must consider:

Masturbation — this will let you know what you like and do not like and as a man you can practice controlling your ejaculation so that you do not finish too quickly and leave your partner frustrated.

Communication — tell your partner what you like and especially what you don’t like.  These conversations are uncomfortable for everyone involved but they bare amazing results.  They should be had outside the bedroom when you both have your clothes on.  Do not imitate your partner or make fun of her intimate reactions, it will embarrass her and make her clam up.  You can make fun of yourself though and see if she does the same.

Forget the camera in the ceiling — in this age of rampant pornography, it is easy to imagine that you must ‘perform’ like a porn star with a camera in the ceiling.  Forget it.  Porn is fantasy and a lot of the positions chosen are not for pleasure but for ease of camera angles and shooting.  This is your sex life and there are two people in it; relax and enjoy.

More foreplay — I cannot stress this enough.  Explore your partner’s body and if you can, make sure she has an orgasm before you begin intercourse.  This will arouse you and give you both time to relax and forget that critical voice in your head. 

Good luck Kevin, this is the beginning of a beautiful journey.  Please use condoms to take care of yourself and those who choose to give you pleasure.

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