Skip to main content
February 21, 2019

I just can't have sex, please help

Dear Valentine,

I am an avid reader of StarLife.  Thanks for the good work and keep it up.

I am suffering from erectile dysfunction.  I am 32 years of age and a teetotaller.

For many years, I hardly have an erection and whenever I do, it is lost soon after - barely in a minute or two. Then, I cannot erect again until after about eight hours or even more. I also suffer from premature ejaculation that I ejaculate on an attempt to penetrate. In short, I just can't have sex.

I have visited four different notable urologists in Nairobi so far, all the examinations indicate that I am normal. On different occasions, I have been prescribed for Viagra and Cialis but whenever I take the drug, my penis goes absolutely flaccid. Not any sort of arousal can “excite” it. Now I am recommended for penile prosthesis but I am so scared of it.

Out of desperation, I have tried out alternative medicine which has also not worked. I have since separated with my wife since I cannot “meet” her sexual needs. In the meantime, I will not tire to looking for possible solutions.



Dear WK,

My heart goes out to you, how absolutely humiliating and painful.  Just last week, someone asked why I have recently started writing about ‘serious things’ like money when I have been writing about sex all along.  I laughed and said that when we have a sexual problem it is no less serious than impending bankruptcy or a failing business.  Sex is very serious.

This sounds like it has impacted all areas of your life, and to not know what is causing the erectile dysfunction is its own form of torture.  I am going to recommend yet another urologist, before you get surgery, his name is Dr Mburugu and he is at Aga Khan.  I will send you his email in private.  What the other doctors have told you is in contradiction to what is happening – that everything is normal and yet even Viagra doesn’t work. 

It takes a lot to create an erection and nature works so beautifully, we get to take it for granted:  a functional cardiovascular system, a responsive nervous system, a psyche that allows for excitement and finally we have an erection.  WK, I think your circulatory system might have an issue; and then you have been dealing with this issue for a while so there is a psychological issue at play so that you tell yourself something like ‘this will not work’ and sure enough, it doesn’t.

I wonder, do you get involuntary erections at night?  Do you wake up with the proverbial morning glory?  If you do, that tells you that the issue is not biological but rather psychological.  After you see Dr Mburugu, please check out for free counselling services.  You will find that talking to a professional about your penis and the impact it has had in your life will be lifechanging.  A failed marriage, commentary on your manhood, anxiety around whether or not you are normal, the lack of sexual release… all these need to be aired in conversation if only so they don’t shrink your life with shame.

Thank you for your eloquent email and please keep me posted on your progress. 

Poll of the day