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January 23, 2019

I can only last for eight minutes

Dear Valentine,

 I have a problem and I think it is low libido. I cannot satisfy my wife sexually because I cannot last for more than eight minutes. We have three children and my wife is complaining. Please advise me?


 First of all, ouch! It cannot be easy for you to hear about your wife’s dissatisfaction with your sex life. Pole sana. Now to identify the problem and deal with it: Libido is another word for desire and sex drive, and it does not sound like yours is low, in fact you may have very high desire for your wife which is why you are having problems controlling your ejaculation.

While eight minutes might seem like a short time (about two and a half songs) when it comes to intercourse, you are only three minutes short of the average 11 minutes.

I wonder if your wife simply wants you to last longer, or if she would enjoy more foreplay and perhaps oral sex before you got to intercourse? Ask her, but in the meantime here are a few things you can try to make you last longer:

  1.  Masturbate first – there is more to sex and making love than intercourse and you could try mutual masturbation or oral sex. Once you ejaculate, then you can have intercourse. Most men report that they are better able to control their excitement on the second round.
  2. Scrotum pull – before you begin intercourse ask your wife to form a ring around the top of your scrotum (balls) with her thumb and index finger. When you get very excited during intercourse, tell her so that she can form the same ring again and give your scrotum a gentle tug. This will diminish your excitement and you can continue.
  3. Breathe – slowing down and taking deep breathes will calm down your excitement. As you take these breaths, try thinking of non-sexual things like office paper work.
  4. Start & Stop – just at it sounds, start having intercourse and stop when you are about to ejaculate. You could change positions and then start again.


 In the six years I have been writing this column, questions surrounding premature ejaculation have been the most common. From their tone, it is clear that men are ashamed of this, and that we women speak of it as a ‘masculine failure’, like ‘real men do not have this problem’.

Real men do have this problem and it is completely solvable with a little effort from both partners. Many frustrated women berate their men about premature ejaculation and this makes the guy nervous and anxious which in turn makes the problem worse. A little compassion when things flop (pun intended) and celebration when things go well, will go a long way.

 Men be kinder to yourselves, into every sex life, a little premature ejaculation must fall. Slowing down, changing positions, deep breathing and thought control will help you deal with this. Do not fall for pills and so called ‘male power’ enhancers, they do not work.

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