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January 24, 2019

My man finishes quickly and falls asleep

Dear Valentine,

My man drinks too much, then hawezi ku-perform.  I love him and it has been a few years of us together but I am very frustrated.  What can I do?  He finishes quickly and falls asleep or he doesn’t finish and gets annoyed then ignores me for a few days.  He is embarrassed about this and he will not discuss it.  I have tried but he shuts up or even walks away from me.  This is the only problem in our relationship.



Hi Sarah, so sorry about the under-performing drunk… you say that it is the only problem in the relationship but to me it points out that there is a rift in your communication, and that your needs aren’t being met.  There is no cure to this, he simply has to drink less or not at all on nights when he wants to have sex with you.  Issues like this do not typically affect young men in their 20s so I will assume that your guy is in his late thirties and above, so he is relatively set in his ways.  If you insist on ‘talking this out’ it might make things worse and it will not get you a solution.

If you can get him involved in some kind of regular exercise you will find that he will stop drinking quite so much.  A healthy and active lifestyle does not mix well with heavy drinking and staying out too late.  In his own convoluted and domineering way Mututho is trying to get all of us healthy.  I think our population would increase if he succeeded in making us drink less.

But back to you Sarah, exercise with your man and make a big deal about it.  He has to know that you are very happy with him when he exercises.  You must also make it a point to let him know that you enjoy sex with him when he is sober.  It cannot feel good to have a man who smells like he has been steeped in alcohol all over you.  Do not tell him this, just celebrate the sober sex.  All human beings respond to praise and it can be a huge teaching tool – celebrate the behaviour you like and ignore what you don’t.  You can also say no to having sex when he is drunk, quite frankly, from what you have described, there isn’t much in it for you.


Most of us will be surrounded by family over the next week.  This can be a very sexy opportunity to be naughty with your partner.  Sneak away from the family for a quickie as often as you can and bond in a different way.  The point of this kind of sex is not to have the best orgasms of your life, though you might, rather it is to be playful and remain connected.

Hanging out with family can a tense affair with old unresolved issues, jealousies and grudges coming up.  Sex can be a great reliever of tension and it will keep you emotionally in sync with the family you chose – your partner.

Have a Merry and very sexy Christmas in 2013

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