A male friend of mine recently got out of a relationship.
The lady he was dating comes from a very rich family and despite being a 34-year-old single mother with a degree, she has never worked.
They met, fell in love and he actually started thinking that he might put a ring on her finger. Apparently she is ridiculously beautiful… so beautiful that other men would buy him drinks just to say hello to her.
The sex was great and she really knows how to have a good time. There were just two issues: constant put downs and the niggling feeling that he could not afford her.
Despite her being a fun and funny trophy, every so often she would release a verbal barb that would sting and hurt him for days. Comments about his dress sense, where he chose to hang out, how much money he made and even what he did for a living. Sometimes these were said in jest but other times these verbal landmines just popped up out nowhere in conversation.
She also insisted on going to very expensive places. He recently lamented a lunch that cost him Sh7,000 at The Norfolk. It was neither her birthday nor his, he was not proposing, nope it was just a weekday and she came into town and suggested they have lunch. He asked where and that was the beginning of re-budgeting his entire month.
Now when he told me this, I laughed uproariously and joked that I should buy her coffee and take lessons. This woman has obviously cultivated a quality that ensures that men take care of her.
First her father paid for schooling that she never used and now my pal, who I am sure was not the first to jitokelezea and realise thousands of shillings later siwesmake.
He did say that something about her made him want to be a better and more successful man. He wanted to impress her and he wanted her to be proud of him so he started taking bigger risks in his career and actually started his own business.
He loved being envied by other men for having landed this gorgeous trophy. However, despite all these chest thumping benefits, the put downs won and he couldn’t take the abuse anymore so he left.
Ladies, I get that we want to improve our men. For some of us this is the paradigm in which male-female relationships work. We celebrate good behaviour, we support, cajole and even manipulate our partners into it and we ignore what we deem ‘bad’ behaviour, or we go as far as to punish.
Verbally, sexually, physically we punish what we don’t like. It sounds like this woman had found my pal and thought to herself, ‘in two years he will be fantastic’ then taken him on as a project. Somewhere along the line she went too far and the project choked.
Has this man grown? Definitely. He is the first to admit that he started dressing and behaving differently and that fundamentally his opinion of himself changed; he was just so battered and bruised on an emotional level that he couldn’t take it anymore. Something to think about before you take on your next project.