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September 24, 2018

I want to live in a hurry

I have finally learnt something: I have learnt to be happy with process. Let me explain.

For years now, I have wanted to create my own publication. I have brainstormed, formed partnerships that flopped, and researched till I was literally blue in the face. I have settled on ideas and thrown them out a few months down the line. I have been bursting with excitement and then so frustrated and depressed that I have given up on the whole thing. But now? Now it is finally happening. I have the concept, I have funding, I even have a brilliant mentor in the publishing game. It’s on baby!

In the past, I have been anxious at this point in the game, when the launch of something I have been working on is imminent. I have woken up from deep sleep and sat bolt upright in my bed at 3am, afraid to fail and disappoint. This time things are different. I am enjoying the process. I am actually having fun and allowing myself to be joyful.

If the Westgate attack has taught me anything, it is that life is fleeting. We literally, only have this moment. Mbugua Mwangi, a friend who passed on during the attack, was only 29 when he died and he had done so much with his life, I know men in mid-life who wish they had accomplished so much. I think he managed all that he did because he lived purposefully and in a hurry, like each moment was an opportunity. Mbugua was not given to frivolous conversation, he said what he meant and asked insightful questions. Consequently, he had much to show for his brief time here – a great romance, great friendships and relationships with family, and a successful business.

Sometimes we are so concerned about the future that it fills us with anxiety. Or we are filled with regret about the past that we become bitter and depressed. It seems obvious but there is nothing we can do about the past or our future, we only have today and this moment. Joy can be frightening because we have been told it is fleeting and that when it ends, there will be pain. Do you remember laughing as a child and someone like your grandmother or an auntie pulled your ear and pointing out that those who laugh too hard, cry later?

It seems to me that we cry anyway so we might as well take on the joyous moments fully. I am taking a page out of Mbugua’s book and choosing to live purposefully and in a hurry. I have worked for this moment for years - preparing not just for the launch of this publication but for the daily management of it. I am ready, I am excited and I am in a hurry. I am excited for you to see it, and I really want to know what you think of it, but I can wait because I am really really really enjoying this moment of launch.

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