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September 24, 2018

He Won't Try Doggy Style

Hi Valentine,

I am in college and I am dating this hot guy who grew up upcountry. I grew up in Nairobi. The thing is he does not like trying new things in bed. He thinks like it is taboo, like he is demeaning me or something. Imagine even doggy style is an issue? How can I change his mind without him thinking I am a slut?

Farida

 

Farida, you are a slut! Embrace it and let your slutty light shine! I am not calling you names and I mean no offense, just hear me out.

Feminine sex-expression has long been branded names like ‘slut’ and ‘whore’ when it comes to all things sexual. The idea that women can and do enjoy sex has long been anathema to many.

We live in a country where women are systematically mutilated to ‘tame’ their sexual desires, meanwhile male rapists run free wielding their weapons of destruction.

It is no wonder, having grown up in this society, that you want to hide your desires, or that your sweet and caring man is trying to ensure that he does not demean you.

Farida, it is you and your man in the bedroom. You have chosen each other, you like each other and you want to express affection and desire for each other.

I suggest you leave the names at the door. Instead of having a long conversation about ‘not being a slut’ and ‘the unique merits of doggy style’, just shift into the position you want to try when you are in the middle of having sex.

If you want to try racier things like oral sex, just get him to relax, and try it. Maybe you could put a scarf over his eyes and pretend it is a game? I think once your guy gets that you are enjoying yourself, and that you do not feel demeaned or humiliated, he will slowly let go of his ideas.

Take him slowly, do not try everything at once, and recognise that there are some things that he will just never be OK with. As much as you want to try new things with him, you must honour his personal boundaries.

And instead of branding yourself a slut, how about you think of yourself as a sexually self-expressed woman who is not afraid to try new things to create a delicious sex life with the man she adores? Have fun Farida.

 

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So next month, we are taking off the condoms! Fertility expert Dr Wanjiru Ndegwa and I will be focusing on the road to a baby, and what can get in the way of having that little bundle of joy. Do you have questions? Are you struggling to conceive and would like some expert help? Please email me your concerns and Dr Wanjiru will sort you out. Also, if there is something that worked really well when all else had failed, please share: [email protected]

 

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