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November 19, 2018

Help: I am a porn addict!

Hey Val,

I am a porn addict.  It started out as a means of passing time but over the years it has grown into full scale addiction. I used to be very bright in fact in primary school I topped my KCPE exam  by emerging top in my division. Ever since I began watching porn my academic life has suffered and even as an A student I never made it to university.  Now in college I am often failing exams because I spend more time watching porn as compared to reading.
I had very little interaction with women while growing up and I consoled myself with porn. To date I have had sex with only one woman. I once confessed my problem to her she helped me reduce my addiction and she believes I stopped but the truth is whenever I got lonely, sad, angry or bored I would go back to porn.
I love my girl to bits and we are planning to move in together. Problem is porn has turned me into a sex maniac. I am never satisfied and I masturbate A LOT. I want to get back on track, reclaim my lost academic glory, build my career and be a faithful and loving partner to my girl.
Counselling would be good but I lack the money for this. Please help because these sexual fantasies, and masturbation are ruining my life. It's been seven years. J

J, I am so sorry it sounds like you are in a very special version of hell.  The first thing that always strikes me about dealing with addiction is the loneliness of it.  Despite sharing this planet, most of us feel very alone and in the case of addiction, you are struggling with something that many people seem to enjoy with relative ease.  Pole sana.
I love your honesty and your willingness to discuss your issue and how clear you are that you want a better life for yourself... I think that is courageous and you are an amazing person.  
I agree with you that you need counselling and therapy.  There really is nothing like sitting down with someone who is there to do nothing but listen to you.  When that person has skills and tools to help you better navigate your situation, the interaction is very powerful.  The Amani Counselling centre offers free therapy from very qualified professionals and you can check out their website for more information.
Pascal Mwita is an addiction and shame therapy specialist and he is a lovely man, please email him [email protected].  Let him know that I recommended you go from there.  I wish you all the best.
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A friend recently pointed out that sex is THE BIG TABOO for the human race and our biggest fear is that we are doing it badly or underperforming in some way.  I then thought that I should share what I think makes a great lover.
Great lovers are determined by attitude.  A willingness to listen to our partners, share what we like and a willingness to try new things.  It almost sounds banal but really as human beings we just crave being seen and known, and the clearest path to getting what we want us to offer it to those around us.  So listen to your partner with curiosity and empathy and watch that change your sex life, watch that make you a great lover.
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