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January 21, 2019

I take too long to get to round two

Hi Valentine,

I am 24 years old and recently I have not been able to perform my duties as a man in bed. When I start I take about a minute to ejaculate, then the period before I get another erection is getting longer. It is about 30 minutes long from a previous 10 minutes. I do not take alcohol, cigarettes or miraa and no unique lifestyle like partying. My girlfriend noticed this and decided to look for a solution from a marriage counsellor without my consent and I came to know this after going through her sent SMS and it angered me. Please help me because I fear losing her. When it comes to the second round, I can do it for 15 minutes but it becomes hard to ejaculate therefore I sometimes don’t reach orgasm.



Hi John, it is clear that a lot is going on with you so  I will tackle each issue individually in the order that you raised them:

1. Saying that ‘I have not been able to perform my duties as a man in bed’ is an exaggeration that does not serve you. How about you start saying, ‘I can perform but I would like to do better?'

2. The period between ejaculation and erection is called the refractory period. The good news is that 30 minutes is about average, the bad news is that there is very little you can do about it; it is genetic and it usually increases with age. Take heart John, some guys have an eight-hour refractory period.

3. Your girlfriend asked for help regarding her sex life, this may seem like your issue, but it is in her sex life so she can talk about it. I suspect that you feel like she went behind your back but so did you, by going through her sent SMS. You both employed sneaky methods to deal with this issue, so just call yourselves two peas in your own proactive pod.

4. The 15 minutes in your second round is quiet impressive.

5. Ejaculation is not orgasm. Yes, the two usually occur simultaneously but they are not the same thing. Many men report that after a few rounds of sex, they continue to orgasm and experience a huge release of tension, but they do not ejaculate. I suggest that we leave your second round alone and take a closer look at your first.

6. In trying to ‘perform your duties as a man’ you could focus on your partner during foreplay, making sure that she has had at least one orgasm before you start intercourse. Try oral sex, manual manipulation using your fingers… kissing her erogenous zones, and have fun.

7. When it comes to intercourse, try to pace yourself by thinking of non-sexual things. Slowing down your breathing and the pace of your thrusting will also give you more control of your orgasm. If you get too excited and aren’t ready to ejaculate you can stop and even pull out, then continue after you relax a little.

John, sex and your relationship are about discovery, play and self-expression. I can see why you are afraid to lose your girlfriend but I think that will be because you don’t trust each other and you both have underhand ways of dealing with a deeply personal issue that affects you both. How about telling her that you will now work on pacing yourself and that you might stop, mid coitus to catch your breath? Involve her so that you can come up with a solution that works for both of you.

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