Do i have erectile dysfunction?

Hey Valentine,

I am 39 years old and I my penis does not get as hard as it used to. Sometimes I will go soft in the middle of the act and it will take a long time to get hard again. Recently I could not get an erection at all. What is happening?

Paul

Oh honey! You sound like you are in a lot of pain and like you are about to make this turn of events mean all manner of things related to your manhood. Please do not. Our bodies are machines and yours sounds like it needs a visit to the doctor. Erectile dysfunction indicates a cardio-vascular issue and your heart is a huge part of this system. You have to have your heart checked first. Go immediately before you drop. While you are at the doctor’s, talk about exercise and how much of it you are allowed to do, then start. Anything that improves the health of your heart, improves the health of your penis.

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Valentine, I have been married for a while and our sex life is boring. Years ago I tried to suggest that we do new things and I was accused of cheating ‘Hii maneno ulitoa wapi?’ Now I think about that fight and it would be easier to cheat but I do not want to. What can I do?

Alice

Alice, pole sana. You would imagine that if someone said they wanted to bring you pleasure in new ways, it would make you happy and so your husband should have been happy to try new things. Unfortunately it sounds like he got defensive and embarrassed so decided to hurt you. I am not a fan of cheating and I don’t know how to so I can’t help you there. I think you have to go back to that conversation and fight for your marriage.

Recently I read a book called Intimacy & Desire by David Schnarch and it was a real eye-opener regarding how we view sex, sexuality and how that is tied in with our identity. To paraphrase, he says what we call ourselves, our view of ourselves shows up in the bedroom. And this is pretty obvious; if you say you are adventurous and fun, then you are your version of ‘adventurous and fun’ in bed. When people talk about our sexual performance, it sounds like they are talking about us, so to your husband if you say ‘honey our sex life is boring’, he hears, ‘I am boring’ and maybe other things like ‘I am bad in bed’ and who knows you may evoke a vision of you leaving him for a younger man named Wanyonyi. He then gets defensive, asks where you learnt these things, accuses you of cheating, says what you want to try is disgusting and makes a declaration that he will never ever try whatever it is. You get hurt, shut up, continue to be bored only now it is heightened by the fact that things will never get better and years later you are contemplating an affair.

Alice, do not give up, sexual boredom is a part of marriage. The conversation you started to have with your man is just that, a start. Go back, have it again but maybe start differently and do not mention the word affair. Tell your guy that you love him and that this is a shared problem. It is not his to fix, or yours to suffer. Ask him if there are things he wants to try. Hide your shock, disgust or horror if that is how you feel about his suggestions. Say yes to whatever is not offensive and then later bring in your ideas. Expanding your sex life is uncomfortable and sometimes embarrassing. But remember so was creating it in the first place. Your first kiss was probably weird, maybe gross, first time you were naked with a man it was awkward etc but you kept at it till you became a sexually functioning adult. The journey is not over, continue. Embrace the discomfort, the anxiety and the embarrassment; they are your partners in creating that fully self-expressed sex life.