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Monday, August 21, 2017

Samantha's Chronicles: Back-door love

Target No 4 is an Arab. He has a thing for black girls and will be an easy mark. He is the last guy on my blackmailing list.

The scam is simple. I sleep with him, wait a while and tell him I’m pregnant. Oh, did I mention I actually am? But I’ll be getting rid of it soon. Once we are done with him and the Prude (Target No 3 ).

The Prude and I are all over the Internet, by the way. But that’s a story for another day.

Right now, my focus is on this last guy. Mr N and I are texting each other about him. Apparently he has a mistress he is in love with. His wife may not be too happy about him knocking up a black girl, either. Mr N has just called me out on my ability to sleep with someone when I have feelings for someone else and I’d like to divert the conversation away from me and back to the Arab.

Me: I understand Arabs are more into the backdoor than the more traditional approach.

Him: In terms of physical relations? Yes.

Me: Mmm.

Him: Have you ever tried it?

Me: No.

Him: A virgin, how quaint.

Me: Have you?

Him: Yes.

Me: Did you like it?

Him: Yes.

Me: Doesn’t that make you a little gay?

Him: What? No!

Me: I’m jus’ saying, it’s all the same.

Him: It’s not. A woman’s behind is NOT the same as a man’s.

Me: Ha ha. If you say so.

Him: I say so.

Me: You have never tried it with me.

Him: Do you want me to?

Me: I’m just wondering why you haven’t.

Him: One tends to ease into these things.

Me: No pun intended?

Him: Ha ha. You’re hilarious.

I pause. Easy banter with Mr N always makes me feel a little mawkish. I have never tried this kind of thing, which may be surprising, considering my passing interest in BDSM. I wonder what it would be like. This is an odd conversation to have first thing in the morning. I gulp down the rest of my coffee and decide to be bold.

Me: Does it hurt?

Him: Not if you use a lube.

Me: I suppose I’ll find out soon enough.

Him: No. He has to ring the front door.

Me: What if he insists?

Him: How will you convince him you’re pregnant if you let him use alternate routes?

Me: #Alternative Facts

Him: Ha ha.

Me: I think we should try it first.

Him: Me and you?

Me: Yes. Just in case, I’d like to know what to expect.

He takes some time before answering and when he eventually sends a message it has nothing to do with any of this.

Him: Who is it you have feelings for?

Me: What?

Him: Earlier you said you had feelings for someone. Who?

Uh uh. Where is he going with this?

Me: What does that have to do with anything?

Him: You’re jumping into bed with every Tom, Dick and Harry. I’m just curious about which man actually won you over.

Me: If you must know, it’s…

Him: Yes?

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